This is really too important to ignore now. We don’t have much time left and we’ve all got our Agenda 21s and Millennium Development Goals to be getting on with. So we must get our heads around this before it’s too late. We’re all adults here. All educated people. So I’m sure we can be reasonable about it. I happen to have some graphs with me and my PowerPoint presentation so if you could all stop Tweeting now please….and checking on your emails….and we’ll make a start.
Thank you so much for coming. I know that many of you have endured inconvenient truths and much opprobrium to get here. Some of you have joined us from Copenhagen (2009) and Kyoto (1997) and even from as far back as Rio (1992) – and I can see more than a few from the Club of Rome (1968; 1972) as well. I’m delighted you can all be here with us. I’m told that many of you have lift-shared and travelled on the train so a special thanks to all of you.
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished academic guests (Royal Society, 2008), I’m delighted this evening to present my latest findings on the consequences of the late anthropogenic age (Boulton & Watt, 1767; Brunel, 1865; Babbage, 1822; Gates et al., 1985).
My thesis is not a new one and many of you will already be familiar with the underlying themes (Nostradamus 1503; Mayan School, 3114BCE). But I can now tell you unequivocally that we are in the midst of a human crisis unprecedented since the beginning of time (Lemaitre, 1927; Hubble, 1929; Hoyle, 1949; God, undated).
Firstly I should point out that the facts are no longer a matter of mere faith (Icke, 1991; 2012). The science is entirely proven and beyond debate (Bellamy & Monbiot, 2004; 2005), has all been published in distinguished academic journals (Booker in Telegraph, 2005 onwards), and undergone a process of thorough peer-review (Viscount Monckton of Brenchley, 2007; 2008; 2009).
So, if we look now at my first sleight of hand, we can observe the growing consternation of the business community on the right (£eahy & O’£eary, 2006; 2008), converging with the intransigence of the economists on the far right (£awson, 2008; £omborg, 2001), and where the two lines merge into a slippery slide off the end of a hockey stick, here we can see a ninety-eight per cent certainty of our unanimous agreement that we can entirely discount the future (Cassandra, 1194BCE; Cassandra, 1194BCE; Cassandra, 1194BCE……
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ……ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
.……so in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, distinguished colleagues (Fourth Assessment Report, IPCC, 2007), fellow human beings (Darwin, 1859), I would like to acknowledge the debt we owe to those who first warned of impending crisis as far back as the seventies (Dylan, 1975) and even earlier (Zimmerman, 1961; Carson, 1959; Malthus, 1798). Those early pioneers had the courage and foresight to notice we were already gambolling down the wrong path (Scott Peck, 1987) and had neglected in our deliberations to observe the climax of the forest eco-systems for the trees (Thoreau, 1845; 1849). They cautioned that we had already overshot our dominion over natural resources (Wilberforce et al, 1807; Gandhi, 1921; Mandela, 1968; 1990) and that the good times couldn’t last for ever (Schadenfreude, date unknown).
No, no, dear friends! We know the party’s over now, but you don’t have to leave so soon. Please! Stay in your seats! I urge you not to panic! Let us proceed with our proceedings in a suitably dispassionate manner. Wait, dear friends! We still have time to return to our separate realities. We can still take shelter behind our academic stances. Sentiment has no place in conventions such as ours! Oh dear, dear friends, what will the public think of our rigorous detachment now? Please don’t leave me here alone with nobody left on my side!
(From ‘Silent Memoir’)